With so much going on in the world (and so little going on in my personal life), I have had a lot of time to ruminate on the vast array of emotions I have been feeling lately. At about 2am this morning, I decided that the emotional onslaught of COVID19 would be a good topic for a blog post so here we go:
Grief
I read an amazing article last night which explained the different forms of grief that many of us have been experiencing lately. Personally, I am grieving for all of the victims of the novel corona virus:
- the loss of lives throughout the world
- all of those who are suffering physically, emotionally, financially
- the people dying alone and their families who cannot be by their sides
- New York, my city and the current epicenter of the virus
Terrified
I have not felt the threat of terror so strongly since the middle to end of September 2001. Currently I am terrified about:
- the health and safety of close family members who have already been diagnosed positive
- what would happen to Nina and Alex if Renato and I get sick…who would care for them and how would we get them to safety?
- (Also completely terrified that Donald Trump will continue to be our president, but that’s another blog post)
Under “normal” circumstances I am a worrier, but now it’s getting a little out of hand. It took Amy (my friend and Nina and Alex’s regular babysitter) about 10 minutes to respond to my text last night…during that 10 minutes, my mind went to a very dark place. I was incredibly relieved when she finally replied to say that she is healthy and safe. Here are some of my other immediate concerns:
- I am nervous for all of the individuals who are out there risking their lives as essential workers, and for their families
- I am worried for the people who are going through this extremely difficult time alone
- What will be the fate of the elderly folks who live at the homeless shelter where Alex and I volunteer every month? And the young moms and their kids that Nina and I volunteer with who also live there?
- What will happen to our way of life in New York…our small businesses? Broadway?
Exhausted and Surprised
I confess to being spoiled: I have a part time housekeeper and a babysitter who are both invaluable to me. It’s been 20 days since I have had help at home. Since then, I have been employed (without pay) as teacher, therapist, sanitizer, housekeeper, chef, pet groomer, manicurist, play date, home organizer, launderer, and technology master.
One of the unforeseen benefits of having to do all of those things mentioned above is that my spoiled children are starting to help more around the house. I am also pleasantly surprised by all of the efforts that friends have made to connect or reconnect (via Facetime and other virtual modes). It’s so nice to have the time to spend on rekindling relationships.
Embarrassed and Ashamed and Frustrated
- It’s embarrassing to own up to my privilege and selfishness, but I admit that I am sad to miss the shows, dinners, get togethers and vacations that I had scheduled in March and April. It is also kind of embarrassing that the idea of lacking toilet paper, Diet Coke, Swedish Fish and quality chocolate is scaring the hell out of me.
- I am ashamed to confess the sad but true facts that I am a homebody and I don’t mind so much that I haven’t left the house for about a week. I also feel very guilty that I have hardly exercised in the few days.
- It is frustrating for me that because of my age and preexisting conditions, I cannot get out there and volunteer to help combat the virus in person.
Confused
With all of the lying politicians out there its so hard to know who to trust. Everyone says something different. Some of my personal confusion has led me to ask these questions:
- Should we leave Manhattan like my sister-in-law and family did? The pros of being home include having projects and objects that are familiar and plentiful. The cons include being surrounded by 70 apartments with potential COVID carriers, the rapidly overwhelmed hospitals should we require them, and the lack of green space for my kids to receive the sunshine and exercise that they need so badly.
- Is Advil really bad for us right now? Can I take it for regular aches and pains that have nothing to do with COVID19 or do I really need to just stick to Tylenol?
Disgusted
I feel angry about so many things these days. Here are some of the reasons:
- our lack of leadership
- the lack of honesty
- the rampant racism
- the blame, the distractions and the diversions
- the selfish and disgusting people in the world who put money before people
Joyful
- I am so happy (although also sometimes miserable, if I am honest) to have the ability to spend hours of uninterrupted time with my family. New York’s Stay-at-Home order has allowed us to do so many things that we don’t usually get to do on weekdays like playing board games; reading, researching and learning together; and creating really fun projects.
- It also brings me joy to see the kindness of strangers and the coming together of communities. The following stories warmed my heart: volunteers helping seniors, the street wedding, the Italian balcony singers and the Mallorca police entertainers.
Proud
I feel proud of the way my family is managing to muddle through this altered reality. I am also proud to have accomplished several things during the last couple of weeks:
- thoroughly cleaned and purged both my bedroom and my office
- sanitized and re-arranged the bathrooms in my home
- created schedules for distance learning, mommyschool and housekeeping
- successfully delivered home schooling for my twin third graders (in two different schools) for 14 consecutive days (and proud that i have not yet murdered them)
- cooked or prepared nearly every meal for my family since this started, and everything was edible! (I have also supported local restaurants by ordering in on occasion.)
Determined
I am trying to be positive and keep the following promises to myself:
- remain optimistic that this will end and life will go on
- keep-in-touch with, and check-in on the people who matter to me
- maintain a good attitude and be hopeful for New Yorkers and the rest of the world.